Cancelling your wedding: The Right way to handle this emotional choice.

Damage control, how do I fix this sticky situation and how did I get into this mess. I thought everything was honky dory, all my planning skills were questioned and my wedding due date was in less than 10 days!

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My gut hammered at me trying to knock me into some sense blurting out “this was a bad idea!” Too many negatives leading up to this very moment: – mother in law, friends, family, his nit picking. The endearing emotions of my ex childhood sweet heart hindering me. What to do with these niggling feelings. I should definitely not proceed with the wedding, brush all fears aside and go with my gut – get up and announce to all – in the end I should survive this!

An empty pit in my stomach soured with guilt … Time to face up to the tune of cold feet – financially how do I get out of this with unscathed and not ending up on the streets alternatively having to face the in-laws and my family in respect of their 50% contribution towards all costs. Our costs were approximately R80,000 inclusive of guests, venue, accessories, extras, our wedding attire, band, florest, caterers etc. We would be able to obtain a 70% reimbursements in respect of the deposits made due to cancelling one week in advance of the due date. Cancel the honeymoon venue and tickets (some cash in the bank). Return the big fat diamond ring to its “owner” – he can probably sell it to cover most of his expenses.

The breaking news and cancellation had to be dealt with irrespective of – and this is how we put reality into perspective. So we sent urgent messages, via text, email and calls – ensuring everyone received their cancellation in advance!

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After facing financial constraints I head on to the head doctor, to get a grip on my mind set, a shoulder to cry on in order to avoid beating myself to a pulp and avoid any regrets.

I faced a lot of rejection from his family and some friend, had counselling – but on the up-side with the guilt faced head on – a decision that initially carried a lot of fear however was for the best. Costly in a monetary sense but moving from this relationship which was actually doomed from the start, this correct decision for the now and no delays for the near future, a year from now ….

I don’t think I really need help in rehabilitation of some sorts –sometimes by making decisions selflessly people tend to not be there for you as they cannot share in your decision making – emotionally!

“Dr John Gottman published his theories on the discussion of trust – relating to couples after various studies between couples and their problems – quoted from his Student Dan Yoshimoto, ATTUNE (acronym)

  • Awareness of your partner’s emotion;
  • Turning toward the emotion;
  • Tolerance of two different viewpoints;
  • trying to Understand your partner;
  • Non-defensive responses to your partner;
  • and responding with Empathy.

He further explains and believes that by understanding the dynamics of trust and betrayal, we can work to make relationships more trusting. But more than that, we can help people become more trustworthy.”

Simply put – if we cannot ATTUNE we will have to move on – or we stay and rescue the relationship.

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