I know a lot of women wouldn’t necessarily upright say “I am a victim of abuse” it takes a lot of guts to be vocal about such topics. I will admit that media has played its part to encourage women not to keep quiet about their toxic relationships. But we have great numbers of women still not reporting this and it could be that there is still stigma and judgments passed for those who have gone through abuse.
Women have been taught to obey their husbands and that for a marriage to work they need to be the ones putting extra effort because “boy will always be boys”. And it is with such teachings that one would choose to keep quiet and endure the physical, emotional and sexual abuse to mention a few. People only have one thing to say the minute you speak out about your experience “why did you say for so long”. But what we are misinformed about is that this is not a one minute event it is a long process.
The gifting and pampering
I recently watched a movie Preacher’s Kid, I’m quite sure a lot have seen it before. If this doesn’t raise any hair I don’t know what will. They call it an “old school pimp move” which is basically a strategic plan to have a woman eating from a man’s palm. From the initial stages of dating they will pamper you, take you to fancy places and buy you all sorts of things you only dreamt of buying yourself. And with this they are trying to win you over and make you feel like they God’s gift to you. If someone doesn’t hesitate to spoil you and makes you feel like a princess or even a queen you can easily become loyal to them and go all out to make them happy like they do with you.
The isolating and alienation
The second step is alienating you from your friends, family and loved ones. They won’t right ahead say don’t talk to so-and-so no more. They are smooth in their approach –it would be simple things like complaining about a friend to him like any couple does and he would say “why do you continue seeing her because she doesn’t seem to consider your feelings,” or “your parents are too involved in our relationship.” He basically wants you to have no one to cry to.
The dogging and belittling
After you have only them in your life they start doing as they please with you. It usually starts with them hiding things from you and when you dig deep and ask about these issues they become argumentative and aggressive. They will dictate things to you and treat you as if you are not an equal. The loving tone changes to rude comments; they will talk bad about your weight, hair, clothing and behaviour to mention a few. You will have to report your every move and constantly explain yourself. This is all to make you feel small and like you are not deserving of something better –they want you feel like they are your only hope and no one would want someone like you.
The physical and sexual abuse
At this point a woman’s self esteem, worthiness and love has dropped drastically to up to nothing. Here he will be physically abusive like knocking you to the floor punching, slapping and pushing you. Women have this idea that your partner can’t rape you while in actual fact if you haven’t consented to having sex or doing any sexual acts for him it is forced and considered sexual assault. Amongst a whole lot of things a lot of women stay because these men show “remorse” whenever they have done them wrong. The buying of gifts and crying is only a tactic of manipulating a woman into feeling sorry for them and then staying a while longer.
If you are going through abuse or know someone who is contact POWA (People Opposing Women Abuse)
Tel: 011 642 4345/6
Fax 011 484 3195